The World In Donald Trump’s Eyes (aka I Am The Greatest Of All Time, By A Lot)

July 13, 2016

As the American presidential primaries finally come to a conclusion beginning next week with Republicans convening in Cleveland and Democrats meeting in Philadelphia the following week, it gives me time to ponder the potential platform of Republican presumptive candidate Donald Trump. As a candidate who speaks so very often, and tweets seemingly nonstop, yet never espousing any genuine ideas about how he would actually govern, the following is a somewhat very accurate parody of a typical campaign speech given once or twice a day, every single day for the past year by his “greatness.”

I am the greatest.  But, I’m one of you.
Mexicans are criminals, drug dealers and rapists.
Nobody knows more about taxes in the world than me, because I do not pay any.
I’m the most militarist person there is.
Lyin’ crooked Hillary Clinton is crooked as they come, a lifetime liar.
Jeb Bush is low energy.
John McCain is a real loser, not a war hero, because he was a POW.
Megyn Kelly is a bleeder.
Lyin’ Ted Cruz is a pussy.
Chris Christie is yuge, by a lot.
Lying doctors say vaccinations do not cause autism.
I love the poorly educated. I even talk like them.
Nobody is more conservative than me, except when I was a liberal Democrat.
Elizabeth “Pocahontas” Warren is goofy, a total failure.
I know more about ISIS than the generals.
Crazy Bernie Sanders is a raving lunatic. I want him as my VP.
I’m gonna bring back all those jobs from China, except the ones that make the products I sell.
Nobody reads the bible more than me.
President Obama is a Muslim from Kenya, my investigation proved it.
My campaign is self-funded.
Trump U. is the greatest university in the world.
Women are pigs.
I’m the world’s greatest whiner. By a lot.
John Kasich eats like a slob.
Nobody knows more about debt than me, because I filed for bankruptcy four times.
Lyin’ Ted Cruz is no longer a liar. We love him.
Vladimir Putin loves me.
Crooked Hillary Clinton killed Ambassador Chris Stevens.
Nobody respects women more than me.
I’m rich, by a lot.  But, I’m one of you.
Mitt Romney walks like a penguin.
Millions of Muslims watched and cheered the Twin Towers burn from Jersey.
I am the king of debt. I’ve made a fortune with debt.
Bankers are stupid.
Bill Kristol is a dummy.
I love you (insert current city or state or the next city or state to visit).
The media is stupid.
If Hillary Clinton weren’t a woman, nobody would vote for her.
It’s a crooked system, and I was a part of it.
The RNC (Republican National Committee) are idiots.
Bernie Sanders is a Communist. Or worse.
Lyin’ Ted Cruz’s father helped Lee Harvey Oswald assassinate JFK.
Everybody’s an idiot, but me.  But, I’m one of you.
I cherish women.
The KKK wears nice sheets.
I’m gonna turn everything around. Fast. By a lot.
President Obama and Hillary Clinton are stupid because they use a teleprompter. But not me.
I love the Bible. I love the Bible. I’m a Protestant. I’m a Presbyterian.
Radio host Charlie Sykes is an idiot.
My IQ is one of the highest of all-time. By a lot.
I’m gonna build the greatest wall of all-time and make Mexico pay for it.
Congress is stupid.
My business is the greatest of all-time, by a lot.  But, I’m one of you.
I’ll be the greatest jobs president that God ever created.
George W. Bush is a liar.
Hillary Clinton is a shouter, but I’m not allowed to say that.
Women are dogs.
The Art Of The Deal is second in importance only to Two Corinthians, or is that Second Corinthians?
I do not have small hands, or a small penis.
Rick Perry is a loser.
Reporters are liars.
I can be presidential, but I would be boring as hell.
Rand Paul is an idiot.
Lyin’ Ted Cruz’s wife is ugly.
Women are disgusting animals.
Ben Carson is a poor surgeon.
Politicians are stupid.
The Republican Party is rigged. The RNC are riggers.
Women are bimbos.
My private jet is the greatest of all-time. So is my helicopter.  But, I’m one of you.
Rick Santorum is a loser.
Our leaders are stupid.
I am the greatest of all-time, by a lot.

If America has not yet become the laughing-stock in the eyes of the world, a Donald Trump presidency would surely make us so.

Steven H. Spring
Earth

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Breaking News

February 7, 2015

Last Saturday night, while plugged in with my new MXR Phase 90 phaser pedal with the #2 Virginia – #4 Duke basketball game playing on the television behind me, out of the corner of my eye big bold letters screamed Breaking News on the scrawl at the bottom of the screen. Since the game was on ESPN, this breaking news must be really important. It seemed Jerome Bettis had been elected into the Pro Football Hall Of Fame, located in Canton, Ohio. Stay tuned after the game for SportsCenter for the complete list we were told most likely every five minutes, as is the irritating routine of every television station that runs scrawl. Are you freakin’ kidding me? Breaking News? This should not be breaking news even to Pittsburgh Steelers fans.

I find it preposterous how often every television station abuses the breaking news headline. Local networks very often start their newscasts with breaking news. Isn’t this an oxymoron? MSNBC will continue reporting something as breaking news seven or eight hours after it was first reported. When exactly does a news event no longer constitute breaking news? I’m no newsman, but I would guess within an hour, maybe less.

I am a news and political junkie; however, I stopped watching local news many years ago because of their “if it bleeds, it leads” mentality. I will occasionally watch it for a weather report or if the Buckeyes have a big game coming up. The following is my mocking not only of Columbus, Ohio’s WBNS-TV station, but also that of every other television network, especially those twenty-four news channels, as they are all guilty of over-hyping any and all things in their lust to attract and kept their viewers glued to the screen. This commentary was first written as a letter to the program director of WBNS-TV maybe ten years ago. The names have not been changed to protect the innocent, but were the actual names of the WBNS news department staff at that time. However, most of those listed have since retired, or have moved on to another network.

With Aaron Copeland’s “Fanfare For The Common Man” blaring in the background, Dave Kaylor opens the evening newscast:

Dave Kaylor: This is WBNS 10TV’s 6:00 Eyewitness News. Hi! I’m Dave Kaylor in the 10TV Studio. The 10TV News starts now (loud music again blares)….

Angela Pace: But first Dave, our top story (loud music again)….

Andrea Cambern: Angela, we have this breaking news, Channel 10TV has just learned….

Dave Kaylor: Andrea, only on 10TV, tracking the storm is Channel 10TV Meteorologist Mike Davis, Mike.

Mike Davis: This is Mike Davis, Live Dual Doppler 10 Chief Meteorologist, in the Dual Doppler 10 Weather Center, Channel 10TV’s exclusive Live Dual Doppler 10 Radar has just….

Dave Kaylor: Mike, Channel 10TV Eyewitness News has this 10TV exclusive….

Angela Pace: Dave, we have new information on our lead story….

Andrea Cambern: This is Andrea Cambern with Health News (loud music again)….

Kim Adams: Andrea, this is Kim Adams with the Dual Doppler 10 Weather Team, Channel 10TV’s Live Dual Doppler 10 Travel Cast has just….

Angela Pace: But first Kim, we have this breaking news, Channel 10TV has just learned….

Dave Kaylor: Angela, new at 6 (incredibly, loud music once more)….

Andrea Cambern: Dave, as we first told you at noon, 5, and 5:30….

Chris Shumway: Andrea, the 10TV Live Dual Doppler Future Track has just….

Dave Kaylor: Chris, this just in….

Mike Davis: Dave, this is Mike Davis, here in Channel 10TV’s Weather Center, using exclusive Live Dual Doppler Radar, we have a Live Dual Doppler Forecast….

Angela Pace: Mike, breaking news at this hour….

Dave Kaylor: With a look at our Wake-up Forecast, here’s Channel 10TV’s Chief Meteorologist Mike Davis….

Angela Pace: Dave, WBNS Channel 10TV’s I Team has….

Andrea Cambern: Angela, making headlines tonight, only on 10TV….

Kim Adams: Andrea, Storm Tracker 10….

Dave Kaylor: Kim, with a look at what’s coming up at 11….

Angela Pace: Dave, that’s all the time we have. Goodnight from all of us here at WBNS Channel 10TV (loud music blaring one last time).

With headphones on, and the practice amp turned up, I worked up quite a sweat picking for almost 45 minutes. It was actually only 42 minutes, but who’s counting except OCD sufferers. I never did learn who all was inducted into the pro-football Hall of Fame. However, I did learn what a phaser was!!!

Steven H. Spring

The Continuing Saga In The Life And Times Of Miss. Rose

Iris #120D

July 12, 2014

Earlier this summer, I did some yard work for Miss. Rose (for those interested in a little background story relating to her, see my earlier post entitled A Red Rose For Miss. Rose). I came home with a rather large cache of flowers, including two large clumps of irises. Because my garden space is quite limited and the gardens are already quite full, I knew before leaving her house that I was going to give these clumps of irises to two neighbors, both of whom I helped get started with their own gardens this spring. And after all, these were most likely just your typical irises, the basic light blue/dark blue (I’m colorblind, so the typical iris might be light purple/dark purple).

A couple of weeks later, I was walking by one of the neighbor’s yard when I saw that his iris had a single bloom. And when I saw his bloom up close, I realized that I had made a huge mistake in giving him this flower, as it was the most beautiful iris I have ever seen, a gorgeous yellow bloom that seemed more eloquent than the typical iris. When talking to Miss. Rose a few days later, I happened to tell her this story. As soon as I mentioned a yellow iris, she knew immediately what I was talking about, as she told me that she had wondered what had happened to her yellow iris.

I was telling this tale to the other neighbor, and he ask if Rose wanted the iris back. I told him, f*ck Rose, I wanted it back. My neighbor has offered to give back his iris to Rose, but a gift is a gift. Besides, he lives right next door, so it’s not as if I cannot photograph it next year when it blooms again. And, as I told him, if he ever moves, that iris will be mine, once again.

This iris was planted about two feet away from the front wall of my apartment building, underneath the overhanging roof, which hangs over the wall by a couple of feet. Because of the design of the building and the angle in which it sits, at that time of the year (this photo was shot on May 25th), the garden area did not receive any sun until later in the day, which made photographing the flower somewhat difficult. Making it even more complicated was the fact that the bloom was only about one foot off the ground, which resulted in the photographs being somewhat dark. However, thanks to modern technology, and with a little tweaking of the color and brightness levels, I think this photo turned out pretty good.

I did learn a very valuable lesson, that being never give away any flower unless I know exactly what it is!

Steven H. Spring

Those Poor Little Rich Folk

February 3, 2014

Sitting down tonight to read the op-ed pages while eating supper, two headlines in the Columbus (Ohio) Dispatch caught my eye; “Feds shouldn’t ding companies for making a profit” by Linda Chavez and “Punishing the rich does nothing to help the poor” by Robert J. Samuelson.

Living lavishly on my $721 a month in SSI disability benefits, I often forget just how bad off the uber rich and Big Business have it.  With individual income tax rates hovering around fifty to seventy-five year lows and corporations relocating to off shore PO boxes to avoid paying any, let alone their fair share of taxes, I feel so bad for America’s ruling elite.

Maybe we could get a few rock, rap and pop stars together, many of whom know first hand the true horrors of being wealthy, to put together some sort of charity benefit concert, something along the line of The Concert For Bangladesh, to raise money for America’s truly destitute.

It must be pure Hell when the electric bill comes due for one’s mansion!

Steven H. Spring

Half Breeds

December 18, 2013

No, this isn’t a racist rant against human beings of different races propagating, but about tropical fish doing so.  I decided to use this particular title just to catch reader’s attention, purely for shock value.  In nature, I know very well that a male dog will attempt to breed with any female.  A miniature male Chihuahua would try to breed with a Great Dane bitch, even if he needed a stepladder to do so, however, it seems that for the most part, the animal kingdom usually stick with their own kind, much to my amazement.  How, for instance, do birds recognize their own?  How do they know what they themselves look like, in order to breed with a similar looking mate?

Earlier this summer, I restocked one of my fifty-five gallon fish tanks with several different varieties of American Cichlids, such as Red Devils, Texas Cichlids, Black Convicts, Jack Dempseys and Green Severums.  About a month ago, maybe two, I noticed that a pair of Cichlids had bred, as there were maybe 30-40 very small fry swimming madly among the rocks at the bottom of the tank.  However, much to my amazement, the two Cichlids that had produced the fry were a Texas Cichlid (probably the male, as it is the larger of the two) and a Black Convict.

As a serious tropical fish hobbyist, I bought my first fifty-five gallon tank in 1982, after first buying a ten-gallon tank maybe a year earlier.  I know people think I’m nuts when I tell them I communicate with my fish, especially the Red Devils, however I am serious about doing so.  Red Devils have such a personality!  I had one who lived to be almost fifteen years old.  They are such a large, aggressive fish, that once they get so big, I end up keeping just one by itself in a fifty-five gallon tank.  I tell people who get up close to the tank that he isn’t mad at them for looking at him, he is mad at me for letting them do so.

Over the years, I have had several breeding pairs of fish, although only once did the fry survive long enough to grow large enough to avoid becoming dinner to the other fish in the tanks.  I currently have two fifty-five gallon tanks and a one hundred and twenty-five gallon tank.  Living in a very small apartment, my neighbors and friends were always amazed that at one time I had another fifty-five gallon tank and a thirty-gallon tank, three of which were given to me over the years.

As the fish in my largest tank are getting somewhat old, hopefully all of the young fry survive, as they would save me a lot of money when the time comes to restock that tank.  With a little bit of luck, the breeding pair of Cichlids will do their thing several more times in the coming years.

Steven H. Spring

Rapidly Entering The 21st Century

September 10, 2013

It all started innocently enough two years ago when my nearly twenty-year-old television set finally kicked the bucket.  I replaced that TV with a modest thirty-inch high-definition flat screen.  That was it for my big move into the twenty-first century, that is until about three months ago, when all hell began to break loose.  Regular readers and viewers of my blog will know that I purchased my first new camera in thirty-three years this past June, finally going digital.  I took full advantage of my new toy and shot more than twelve thousand photographs, nearly every single one of a flower, in just three months.

After seeing what my photographs looked like in HD on the small LCD monitor on the back of the camera, compared to what they looked like on my ten-year old computer’s CRT monitor, it did not take long for me to decide that I must get a new HD monitor as well.  My real concern was what my photographs looked like online to other people compared to what they looked like on my old monitor, after I had made some adjustments such as to color, tone and brightness and then matting and framing them.  This past Saturday, just before halftime of the Ohio State-San Diego State football game, the FedEx man delivered my new twenty-three inch HD monitor.  After setting it up at halftime, my first thought was why I ever waited so long to update my computer.

It’s not as if I am anti-technology.  The reason why I waited as long as I did to buy a digital camera, replacing my Canon A-1 that I bought in 1980, was I did not want to, nor could I afford to replace all my lens.  Earlier this year, I found out there was an adapter that would enable me to use all the old lens on a new camera.  The main reason for not updating both camera and computer monitor over the years was lack of money.  I have too many hobbies and passions and every one is expensive.  Barely surviving on SSI (Supplemental Security Income) disability income, I consider both of these recent purchases to be “major.”  I am very grateful for this government assistance, however, living on what I receive; I consider the current poverty level of $11,500 for a single American to be living high on the hog.

Now, all I need is a cell phone to complete my trifecta.  Nah, that ain’t gonna happen!  Besides, what I really need is a brand new Fender Stratocaster.

Steven H. Spring

The Twelve Days Of A Capitalist’s Christmas

The following song was posted last Christmas.  However, there has been quite a few views of the post the past several days, and since I now have several more friends on Facebook, I thought I would re-post the soon to be Christmas classic again this year.  The great thing about these lyrics is that every year they can be updated and modified utilizing that year’s hottest toys and biggest deals.  Since Christmas is nearly here, and I wanted to post it tonight, I did not have time for any updates.  I’ll save that for next year!  Besides, I have no idea what are this year’s hottest toys.

Is there a war on Christmas?  Yes!  However it’s not being waged by atheists, agnostics or democrats.  Our all-consuming capitalistic form of government, led by their never-ending stream of nearly non-stop commercials everywhere one look, holidays or not, has turned what was once a purely religious holiday, as Christians celebrated the birth of God’s son, Jesus Christ into an orgy of mass consumerism all the while forcing everyone evermore deeper into debt as they finance this two-month-long gluttonous shopping addiction with monthly payments, thus actually spreading holiday cheer  throughout the year.

Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays!!!

Steven H. Spring

 

On the twelfth day before Christmas,
Waiting all night just to shop before the break of dawn.
Lord there must be a better way,
Thank goodness, Black Friday doesn’t come every day.

On the eleventh day before Christmas,
There is no time to stop, its shop, shop, shop all day.
Look out, I think that woman over there,
Is about to attack us with her deadly pepper spray.

On the tenth day before Christmas,
The malls are all packed, but there is no time to moan or groan.
Fortunately for me, money no longer is a problem,
Thank goodness for all those four hundred percent interest charging payday loans.

On the ninth day before Christmas,
I really do love that 80-inch HD flat screen TV.
I just hope and pray to God,
That Best Buy will finance it for me.

On the eighth day before Christmas,
They’re all gonna be sold out I fear.
But Junior really does needs,
A new Xbox 360 this year.

On the seventh day before Christmas,
Lights are all hung and ornaments are scattered about the yard.
The credit cards are all at their max,
Oh my Lord, did I forget to mail the Christmas cards?

On the sixth day before Christmas,
Was it an iPhone, iMac, iPod or an iPad?
If I get it wrong, I pray that my precious little Mary,
Won’t be too, too mad.

On the fifth day before Christmas,
There is one toy that I have yet to find.
It’s a cute little blonde haired Barbie doll baby,
I think I just might have enough cash to pay, maybe.

On the fourth day before Christmas,
Thank God the shopping is almost done I shout out with glee.
I no longer can eat or sleep because,
I am stressed out far more than any human being should be.

On the third day before Christmas,
I really would like a brand new washer and dryer from Home Depot.
I just hope and pray that the family car,
Doesn’t get repo’d.

On the second day before Christmas,
All the shopping is finally done.
I am as broke as anyone can or should be,
But why isn’t there a government bailout for working class people like me?

On the day before Christmas,
I am all out of cash.
We were supposed to go to Grandma’s for dinner,
However, we couldn’t afford the gas!

Copyright 2011 SHSmusicGroup