July 13, 2016
As the American presidential primaries finally come to a conclusion beginning next week with Republicans convening in Cleveland and Democrats meeting in Philadelphia the following week, it gives me time to ponder the potential platform of Republican presumptive candidate Donald Trump. As a candidate who speaks so very often, and tweets seemingly nonstop, yet never espousing any genuine ideas about how he would actually govern, the following is a somewhat very accurate parody of a typical campaign speech given once or twice a day, every single day for the past year by his “greatness.”
I am the greatest. But, I’m one of you.
Mexicans are criminals, drug dealers and rapists.
Nobody knows more about taxes in the world than me, because I do not pay any.
I’m the most militarist person there is.
Lyin’ crooked Hillary Clinton is crooked as they come, a lifetime liar.
Jeb Bush is low energy.
John McCain is a real loser, not a war hero, because he was a POW.
Megyn Kelly is a bleeder.
Lyin’ Ted Cruz is a pussy.
Chris Christie is yuge, by a lot.
Lying doctors say vaccinations do not cause autism.
I love the poorly educated. I even talk like them.
Nobody is more conservative than me, except when I was a liberal Democrat.
Elizabeth “Pocahontas” Warren is goofy, a total failure.
I know more about ISIS than the generals.
Crazy Bernie Sanders is a raving lunatic. I want him as my VP.
I’m gonna bring back all those jobs from China, except the ones that make the products I sell.
Nobody reads the bible more than me.
President Obama is a Muslim from Kenya, my investigation proved it.
My campaign is self-funded.
Trump U. is the greatest university in the world.
Women are pigs.
I’m the world’s greatest whiner. By a lot.
John Kasich eats like a slob.
Nobody knows more about debt than me, because I filed for bankruptcy four times.
Lyin’ Ted Cruz is no longer a liar. We love him.
Vladimir Putin loves me.
Crooked Hillary Clinton killed Ambassador Chris Stevens.
Nobody respects women more than me.
I’m rich, by a lot. But, I’m one of you.
Mitt Romney walks like a penguin.
Millions of Muslims watched and cheered the Twin Towers burn from Jersey.
I am the king of debt. I’ve made a fortune with debt.
Bankers are stupid.
Bill Kristol is a dummy.
I love you (insert current city or state or the next city or state to visit).
The media is stupid.
If Hillary Clinton weren’t a woman, nobody would vote for her.
It’s a crooked system, and I was a part of it.
The RNC (Republican National Committee) are idiots.
Bernie Sanders is a Communist. Or worse.
Lyin’ Ted Cruz’s father helped Lee Harvey Oswald assassinate JFK.
Everybody’s an idiot, but me. But, I’m one of you.
I cherish women.
The KKK wears nice sheets.
I’m gonna turn everything around. Fast. By a lot.
President Obama and Hillary Clinton are stupid because they use a teleprompter. But not me.
I love the Bible. I love the Bible. I’m a Protestant. I’m a Presbyterian.
Radio host Charlie Sykes is an idiot.
My IQ is one of the highest of all-time. By a lot.
I’m gonna build the greatest wall of all-time and make Mexico pay for it.
Congress is stupid.
My business is the greatest of all-time, by a lot. But, I’m one of you.
I’ll be the greatest jobs president that God ever created.
George W. Bush is a liar.
Hillary Clinton is a shouter, but I’m not allowed to say that.
Women are dogs.
The Art Of The Deal is second in importance only to Two Corinthians, or is that Second Corinthians?
I do not have small hands, or a small penis.
Rick Perry is a loser.
Reporters are liars.
I can be presidential, but I would be boring as hell.
Rand Paul is an idiot.
Lyin’ Ted Cruz’s wife is ugly.
Women are disgusting animals.
Ben Carson is a poor surgeon.
Politicians are stupid.
The Republican Party is rigged. The RNC are riggers.
Women are bimbos.
My private jet is the greatest of all-time. So is my helicopter. But, I’m one of you.
Rick Santorum is a loser.
Our leaders are stupid.
I am the greatest of all-time, by a lot.
If America has not yet become the laughing-stock in the eyes of the world, a Donald Trump presidency would surely make us so.
Steven H. Spring